Tumblr, I thought I should tell you first, well, actually second. I’m trying out this whole growing up, maturing thing. And what that entails, in this instance, is dealing with my problems with the person I’m having a problem with, instead of passive-aggressively blogging about them.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m clearly not going to stop complaining, or as I would like to start calling it, explaining. (I mean, obviously, I’m doing it right now.)
At 19, you think I would have the maturity to call someone fairly easily and talk about what I’m feeling, right? Wrong.
That was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. All dramatics aside, my heart was racing and I felt the tears building up, only to call him, chicken out and not really get much accomplished at all.
What I need him to hear/ What I wanted to ask him:
1. You can’t tell me nice things, promise me big promises, tell me you miss me and not talk to me for almost a week. That’s not ok.
2. I know you said you were busy, but seriously how busy could you have been that you didn’t want to make time to talk to me at all, except for to tell me that you have been intoxicated for the past couple of weeks? *Side note- what the hell is up with that?
3. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss how you make me feel.
4. I want to see you.
5. If you noticed I didn’t come visit Friday, why didn’t you say anything?
What he heard:
1. I miss you.
2. I want to see you soon.
Being fair, it wasn’t all that adult and mature of me to avoid the real topic at hand. However, I’m giving myself a figurative pat on the back for calling him at all and not hiding behind a Facebook message.
Baby steps, Julia. Baby steps.
Since Tuesday? Really you’re an asshole and fuck you. You can’t miss me if you’re not talking to me you dick.
Here is yet another earnest attempt at being equally as charming as every other vlogger, or blogger.
I don’t really know what these are going to be.
They’re probably (99.99%) going to complain about boys, or talk about my incredibly boring life and lack of love interests.
So yeah, get ready for the “Single and … Loving It?” Chronicles.
I am so lame and just wish so terribly to be witty and charming and adorable, so here goes nothing.
No. Really. These will most likely mean nothing.
I need a send off, or sign off, or just an off. No wait, that would entail killing someone.
this guy at my school put 20 dollars into the vending machine to buy cheetos and he got 380 nickels back a teacher had to take him to the office bc he was crying so hard
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.
2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.
3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.
4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.
5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.
6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.
7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.
8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.
9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.
10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.
Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.” —(via petalespeu)